I’m looking forward to a day when i don’t wake up to the demons in my head fighting with the source of my being. Before i even open my eyes they are there. The first thoughts:
“Fuck, another day. When does this end.”
“No, that’s negative. What am i grateful for right now. It’s warm here. I can hear the ocean”
Keep eyes closed. Focus on your breath. Even still, they sneak back in.
“God damnit, this is such bullshit. I hate this. I hate this. I HATE THIS.”
“Stop it, don’t go there. You have a plan remember? 6 more months. You can do this. It is culminating in something. Don’t listen to your family. They love you but they don’t, they can’t, understand. You’re different, and that’s good. Give them time, they will understand soon enough”
“My fucking family. Who the hell are these people? Did i really choose them? Why? Why don’t they believe in me? Are they really that stupid? Yes, yes they are.”
“Stop. Compassion. Patience. Don’t judge. They are who they are as a result of their experience. Nothing is their fault. There is no one to blame. They love you. This is evolution. You’re going to break free. You’re going to break the pattern. You’re going to show them a better way.”
I’ll just sleep a few more hours. Then i will meditate. I will send Metta to myself and my family. I will do a chord cutting, to cut off all this emotional baggage. Then i will write about all the wonderful circumstance in my life. They are there. There are more positives then negatives. I don’t know why they are buried under a barrage of negativity but I can change this. I don’t need pills, God, just a little weed would be SO nice… I don’t need therapy. I need patience and persistence. Step by step. I can retrain my mind. I am bound to be successful. It’s gonna be a good day.