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Blog: i guess i’m just sad

“Your vulnerability is not a mistake and your sadness is not something which needs to be healed. Inside the core of your sensitivity is a bridge to the unseen world. As you peer beneath the veil you will be astonished at what is truly happening here. Yes, this bridge is made of pure grace, but it is a grace the mind could never understand. 

Friend, the beloved will do anything to reach you. Grace is not only sweet, flowy, and calm, but comes at times as fierce, wrathful intensity. It may appear that love has a bias toward the light, but you are seeing that it does not. For inside the darkness the secret of your heart is being revealed. 

Enter into the core of your luminous essence where the light and the dark are one. It is here where the beloved is weaving strands of separation and union into the cells of your body, planting seeds of love which will produce fruit throughout this world.” ~ Matt Licata

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I used to be a happy person, or at least i thought i was happy, but as i look back on my life i can see that i probably wasn’t. I grew up in a normal, midwestern, middle class household, so i thought. Now i don’t know anymore. What is normal? I was hit and spanked on a regular basis, for who knows what. I never would have called myself a bad kid. My dad was an angry man. When i was upset or cried i don’t remember being comforted. I remember being yelled at “STOP CRYING OR I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT”. So, i didn’t cry. I didn’t show emotion. I hated being hugged.  Who wants to be hugged by people who hit you and yell at you?  I put on a happy face. And i guess i was happy. I did well in school and got happiness from my achievements. I stayed out of the house as much as i could, spending many hours a week at my dance studio. I taught dance lessons and would do homework in the back room during breaks, and then take my classes at night. This would keep me out of the house from 7am till about 9pm at night. Come home, go to bed, repeat. When i was home it was never smooth. My mom and i fought constantly, about stupid shit like keeping my room clean. But still, i thought i was happy. I thought is was normal for teenagers to hate being around their family.  And in the 80′s, i think it was normal to spank kids.

Then came college. Again, i thought i was happy. I starting drinking. A LOT. I still got good grades and so between the gratification i was getting from “being smart”, and getting completely shit faced on the weekends, laughing with friends, ect, things felt alright. This pattern of gratification through academic achievement and drinking, both during the week and on weekends, were my sources of happiness throughout my 8 years of college and graduate school. Of course there were great friends too, but my friendship during these years all pretty much revolved around trips to the bar and happy hours. There were people i spent every weekend with for a few years who are now just facebook acquaintances. Not much depth was established with people who at the time i would have labeled “best friends”. During these years i also developed very bad spending habits with my credit cards.

Then came the working life. I got a great job with a great salary with Boeing. Again, i thought i was happy. Here came a whole new source of gratification as well. I now had money. The happiness i used to get from academic achievement was now replaced with buying stuff. A condo and all the pretty furniture and accessories to go with it. I found a whole new group of friends to go to the bar with and i continued my pattern of shallow friendships and partying. During my time at Boeing i also became a regular pot smoker. I had smoked in college but during those years alcohol was my intoxicant of choice. As i got older my body started reacting more to alcohol, more hang overs ect.

By the time i got to 30 i started to realize that i really was unhappy. A series of events lead me to quit my job and seek happiness and fulfillment. 5 years later, i still haven’t found it. 5 years later i have finally realized that i am, and have always been, an unhappy person. I don’t have money to buy stuff, i don’t like drinking anymore, and 20 days ago i quit smoking pot.

Throughout the past 5 years of my life marijuana has been my crutch. It has been many years since i have gone 20 days in a row without it. It’s been my anti-depressant i guess you could say. Now after only 20 days without it, i can honestly say i was happier, more hopeful, AND more productive when i was smoking. Now i feel like i am just a shell of a human being. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything but sleep, scroll facebook for hours, and watch movies… and meditate. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation lately, a few of the vipassana 10 days, and during them i usually spend at least 3 of the days in a puddle of tears. Sadness, sadness, and more sadness pouring forth. Sadness about my childhood, sadness about all the time i wasted in the bar, sadness about the realization of how sad i really am. It’s like all the tears i didn’t have as a child (remember: Don’t cry or i’ll give you something to cry about) are finally coming to the surface.  I’m happy about this.  I have this feeling like if i can just get it all out i will get to the bottom.  Somewhere within me there has got to be a place with no more sadness.  Every tear is a release.

It’s funny because a few months back i met someone, and intuitive, and he told me he sensed my sadness. At the time i acknowledged it but even then, just a few months ago, i didn’t see it the way i do now. Then i was still getting my daily marijuana fix to cover it up.  Now, i can say honestly, i carry a lot of sadness in my heart. The good news is that i have hope. The days of buying things for happiness are long gone: i have no credit and just enough cash to survive. The days of attaining happiness from alcohol are also gone. Other than a glass of wine here and there, i really don’t enjoy drinking anymore. In fact, now i notice it’s depressive effects more than anything else. The day after i drink is usually filled with tears. And now, because of a personal choice i am making, i will no longer be seeking happiness through the use of marijuana. I am seeking a permanent fix to my misery and for me, all signs are pointing towards mediation and reiki. As many 10 day sits as i can get in, and 2 hours a day otherwise. Reiki 3 times a week, focused on grief.

I am a gifted person and i deserve to be happy. I will keep working until i get there. Patiently and persistently. And now, for the first time in many years, i will find it from within, without intoxicants or the accumulation of material possessions. I won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

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