gassho4

Poem: I Want

i don’t want wordpress to double space my text when i copy and past it in from pages

i want 

i want

i want

i want everything to be different

i want everything to feel different

i want to get drunk

but i don’t want to wake up tomorrow dehydrated and depressed

i don’t want to cry tomorrow

 

i want to smoke some weed

just a hit

but i want to know what it like for the first time in many years

to not have that shit in my system

what is it like not to self medicate

what do i feel like inside?

i’m so close

 

i want to inject something

why?

why can i feel the needle going in my vein

why can i feel the relief it brings

it feels SO good

it’s like this HUGE expansion

except i’ve never even come close to that shit

and i never will

remembering my past life as a junky is strange

 

i want to watch a movie

but i don’t want to sit still

i want to dance

but not alone

 

i don’t want to be alone

i am so tired of being alone

why am i always

always

always

alone

 

{look up and to the side, lost in thought}

 

i want to stop going to her god damn facebook page

everyday

every single fucking day

she only shares with friends

and i am not her friend anymore

and i haven’t been her friend for a long time

 

i want to stop going to her blog everyday

she’s not writing about me anymore

 

i don’t want to write about her

because i think she still reads my blog

do i really want her to know that i am still

after 4 years

unsuccessfully cyber stalking her?

well, yeah.  I guess i do.  Maybe she’ll change her mind.

See O, i’m just as sad as you!

i can’t believe you thought I was the light.

i’m pathetic

 

i want to have more than $300 to my name

but i don’t want to work for anyone but myself

my highest self

my God self

except apparently that self doesn’t care about money

so

there is still a disconnect

 

i am 35 fucking years old

i don’t want to move back in with my parents

but i don’t want to pay rent

i can’t afford rent

 

i want people to want my gifts

i am a god damned ascended master from the pleiades

doesn’t that mean anything to you?

NO

it doesn’t.  i know that.

you don’t want fucking Reiki

what the hell is reiki?

It’s just the healing modality Jesus used to heal the sick

why would you want that?

 

you don’t want to heal yourself

you just want to drink a beer and watch the god damn superbowl

 

i  – want – you – to – care.

i want you to stop eating the shit on the table in front of you

yes, i’m talking to you, and you, and you.

it’s all genetically modified poison

 

these people are masterminds

and

the reason you don’t care that you eat it

is because you eat it

it is the perfect catch 22

 

{dramatic sigh}

 

i don’t want to see chemtrails in the sky

I don’t want to breath the air here

 

fuck

i don’t want you dislike me because i just called you out for eating genetically modified poison

i did it because i care

i fucking love you man

 

{close your eyes, big inhale through the nose, small grin}

 

i want someone to touch me

here

and here

and here

but not just anyone

i’ll admit it

i have venus all over my birth chart

it makes me come across as shallow

it takes a special gal to make my heart flutter

 

i want my heart to flutter

how come the ones that make my heart flutter never want me?

 

{look down, sad eyes}

 

3.5 years feels like a lifetime

 

i want to alway be positive

i don’t want to have to TRY to think positive

i just don’t want to

it’s work

 

i want to mediate

yeah right, who am i kidding

i don’t want mediate

 

uggg, yes i do

but it’s work

i need some time off

i am always always working and never getting paid!

 

i want to write a poem

a poem that i will read at a poetry slam

because i know there are a lot of fucked up sad people there

here

just like me

 

who am i kidding

i think competitive poetry is the fucking ridiculous

 

{pause and clarify}

 

please

don’t get your panties all up in a bunch

i didn’t say YOU are ridiculous.

i’m sure you’re awesome

however

i don’t give a rats ass if you vote for me

i just wanted the opportunity to get on a stage

and rant like a crazy person

thank you for providing that opportunity.

 

no, seriously,  thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I love you.

and you, and you.

I love you all.

More than you can understand.

nobody understands.

i don’t even know if i understand

 

God bless you.

Now seriously

stop eating the genetically modified poison in front of you.

 

{look down.  walk back to you seat.  who cares if anyone thought is was good.  you said it.}

~

it’s strange being a “creative type”.  Just writing about how i feel makes me feel completely different.  It gets it out.  I feel totally different then i felt 30 minutes ago when i started this poem… i feel good.  i don’t want anything to be different.  Except… i still want wordpress to single space when i copy and paste… 

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